When it comes to being an effective communicator, it’s not just about what you say…it’s also about how you say it.  Regardless of whether you’re talking to your boss, employee, child, lover or friend, if you’re energy is off, chances are you will not get the results you’re looking for in your relationships.

A key clue that our energy is off is a sharp tone.  We could be saying the most innocent thing in the world yet if we say it with a tone it changes the entire message.  For example, try to say the following statement out loud, imagining you’re feeling the emotion named:
•    Annoyance: “What are you doing?!”
•    Contempt (thinking that the other person is stupid): “What… are you doing?”
•    Curiosity: “What are you doing?”

If you listen closely, you should be able to hear how a change in tone can change an entire message without changing one word.  Our tone and our energy is a huge part of communicating.   When speaking, we want to make sure our energy matches our words.  We also want to make sure that our energy is clean (respectful, grounded and honest) regardless of whether we’re angry, joyful or sad.  We can be furious at someone yet still be clean in how we speak to them.  We can also be firm without being abusive or harsh. 

When it comes to being an effective communicator my motto is “Don’t let a great message get lost in the delivery”.  It’s in your best interest to speak in a way the other person can hear you so clean up your side.  Your words, energy and body language all need to match up and all need to be respectful.  Say it straight, be honest and lose the tone.

CHALLENGE:  When speaking to others, pay attention to your tone, energy and body language.  All three need to be sending the same message. That message should be respectful of the other person’s dignity as a fellow and equal human being in order to be effective. 

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

Many couples struggle with knowing what to do regarding struggle in their relationships.  Some wonder if it would be better to separate, some think they should stay together for the kid’s sake and some have no idea what they want.  They know, however, that they’re unhappy.

My belief about marriage is that people should do what ever they can to make it work. I am particularly biased when it come to children that it is even more imperative that couples do absolutely all they can to make it work.  My belief is if people want out of a marriage they have to earn their way out.  You earn your way out by doing everything in your power to make it work.  If, after they have done everything, it still isn’t good, then I believe it’s time to call it a day. 

I realize this thinking goes against what many people think and I’m okay with that.  I don’t believe that people should stay together no matter what and in fact I think that is irresponsible and at times dangerous.  Nor do I believe people should divorce just because things got a little tough or they “fell out of love” with one another (without trying to fall back in love).  Relationships should not be abusive, toxic or harmful in anyway—to the adults or the children who are witnesses. They should be supportive, loving and a place of refuge not dread.  I believe all people and all children deserve this.  Anything short of this is not enough in my eyes.

Doing everything you can to make your marriage work means:
•    Working your side: too many people defiantly point their finger at their partner demanding they change.  Working your marriage requires that you stop pointing at your partner and start looking at you.  If you need to set a limit on a behavior then set the limit and follow through. Don’t, however, sit back and think all the change has come from your partner.  We all have our human imperfections.  Work yours.
•    Getting professional help and actively participating in the work.  If things are so bad that you ‘re thinking of leaving a marriage—get professional help.  The chances of you being able to create the change you need is slim without help.  Once you are receiving help, you need to do more than just show up.  Do the work.  In fact, do the work even if your partner isn’t.  As you get healthier you will not be able to sit in unhealthy so get yourself healthy regardless of what your partner does.  This is the best gift you can give your children.
•    Warming up to your partner.  If your partner is doing their part to change things, you need to warm up and let their change in.  It’s not okay to endlessly throw their past mistakes in their face.  It’s also not okay for you to be cold, stoic or mean because of the past.  If you can’t forgive them, stop pretending you’re trying to make it work.  Tell them you can’t get passed it and let them go.  Otherwise you work this with a good spirit.
•    Being honest:  Now is not the time to sugarcoat the truth.  Your marriage is on the line and you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest about what is and is not working for you.  Too many people (women especially) say things are fine when they’re not.  They say this because they don’t want to be mean.  It’s mean to lie.  Stop trying to be nice and instead be authentic.  It’s the only way to create a great relationship.
•    Being accountable: You need to listen to what your partner doesn’t like about you and be accountable for those behaviors.  If you make mistakes—own them.  Don’t get dismissive or defensive every time your partner complains about something yet then expect him/her to be receptive and accountable when you complain about something.

If you’re struggling in your marriage and not sure what to do–try to fix it.  Follow all the steps above before making a decision.  Once you have done everything to make it work, you will be in a better position to make a healthier long-term decision.

CHALLENGE:  If your marriage is on the rocks, start stepping up and trying to make it work.  Incorporate all of the steps above and see what happens.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

I'm excited to announce that in response to many requests from past participants, I will again be offering the 6 week tele-class for women on transforming their relationships, “Strengthening Your Core.”

Throughout the years I've worked with hundreds of women who were struggling in their relationships. Most of these women knew they were unhappy yet felt clueless about how to change it. After working with so many women in pain, I decided to get a group of women together to work on strengthening their core. 

I’d like to share with you a letter from a past participant.

Dear Lisa,

“Two years ago I was struggling in my marriage with a husband who had stopped drinking 2 years earlier but had never addressed the causes behind his addiction. My health had once again begun to suffer from the stress of living—and enabling—a dry drunk. I chose to move out of our home and we began counseling. After 6 months, without any sign of change, I told my husband I wanted to divorce.

Over the next eight months we used a mediator and our divorce was finalized a week before your class began. 

I am so glad I signed up. 

With the help of your program, the self-doubt, anxious second guessing and over all guilt I felt from leaving my marriage began to lift as you reinforced the basic, fundamental requirements of having someone in your inner circle. With that came the realization of how much I had enabled my husband to treat me poorly, all in the hope that things would improve.

Today, even as I still struggle through the aftermath of a failed marriage, I am at peace with my decision because of the clear insight I gained through your class. That everyone—me included—deserves a relationship built on trust, kindness, respect, companionship and love.

Thank you for the clarity. Thank you for the clear description of what a real, loving relationship looks like. Your class offered an open forum, almost a support group, of women who were caring, frank, and honest about their own struggles. I have grown from the experience.”

Sincerely - Janet

This class is for all women, single, married, divorced or separated, who would like to transform their lives by transforming their relationships. 

All calls will be recorded although your presence on the call will make for a richer experience.  Any woman who would like to learn the skills necessary to build relationships that fuel them are welcome to join the tele-class. 

For more information click on this link: Transforming Your Relationships

I hope to "see" you on the call.

Warm regards-Lisa

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

I just heard another “relationship expert” telling women to learn to give men what they want.  Too many “experts” encourage women to play games, figure out what men want and then make sure they give it to them.  This is ludicrous advice and is the exact opposite of what women who want great relationships should be doing.

Stop listening to this crazy advice!

Listen up women:  If you want a loving relationship, you need to stop trying to be what you think men want you to be and instead dare to be the best YOU you can be. If you aren’t desperate to find love, be loved or have a romantic connection, what is it YOU want?  What is your ideal relationship?  Are you healthy enough to get that?  Are you healthy enough to know what you want?  Hint:  If you’re thinking you want to just fool around, have endless sexual trysts and get as many men as possible attracted to you—then you are not healthy—no matter how you rationalize these “wants.”

Too many of you are settling for relationships you should never be settling for.  Too many of you are working way too hard to “get” a man.  Trying to become what men want requires that you lose who you are.  Losing yourself in service to someone else is not serving you or your relationships.   

The bottom line is if you don’t think you’re a good catch, then no one else will.  If you don’t think you’re worthy—they won’t either.  If you continue to try to turn yourself into a pretzel to make them happy, you will make yourself miserable.  If you put the needs of men above your own…the men will do the same. 

Men are no greater than you and nor are they any less than you.  You are all the same—WE are all the same.  When you act as though what they want is more important than what you want, your actions tell them you think you are less than they.  As a result, men will treat you as such.  Stop trying to be who you think men want you to be and decide who you are.  Just be you.  Next, sit back and enjoy the calm of not trying to be who everyone else wants you to be.  Aaaah—can you feel it?

CHALLENGE:  Write down all the ways you try to be who others want you to be.  Figure out why you’re doing this behavior (fear, wanting to be liked, insecurity, etc.).  Pick one behavior to work on in every aspect of your life (e.g. stop saying what you think others want to hear).  Let us know what you notice.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

I just heard another “relationship expert” telling women to learn to give men what they want.  Too many “experts” encourage women to play games, figure out what men want and then make sure they give it to them.  This is ludicrous advice and is the exact opposite of what women who want great relationships should be doing.

Stop listening to this crazy advice!

Listen up women:  If you want a loving relationship, you need to stop trying to be what you think men want you to be and instead dare to be the best YOU, you can be. If you weren’t desperate to find love, be loved or have a romantic connection, what is it YOU want?  What is your ideal relationship?  Are you healthy enough to get that?  Are you healthy enough to know what you want? Hint:  If you’re thinking you want to just fool around, have endless sexual trysts and get as many men as possible attracted to you—then you are not healthy—no matter how you rationalize these “wants”.

Too many of you are settling for relationships you should never be settling for.  Too many of you are working way to hard to “get” a man.  Trying to become what men want requires that you lose who you are.  Losing yourself in service to someone else is not serving you or your relationships.  

The bottom line is if you don’t think you’re a good catch, then no one else will.  If you don’t think you’re worthy—nor will they.  If you continue to try to turn yourself into a pretzel to make them happy, you will make yourself miserable.  If you put the needs of men above your own…the men will do the same. 

Men are no greater than you and nor are they any less than you.  You are all the same—WE are all the same.  When you act as though what they want is more important than what you want, your actions tell them you are less than them.  As a result, men will treat you as such.  Stop trying to be who you think men want you to be and decide who you are.  Just be you.  Next, sit back and enjoy the calm of not trying to be who everyone else wants you to be.  Aaaah—can you feel it?

CHALLENGE:  Write down all the ways you try to be who others want you to be.  Pay attention to why you’re doing this (fear, wanting to be liked, insecurity etc.).  Pick one thing to work on everywhere in your life (i.e. Stop saying what you think others want to hear).  Let us know what you notice.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

Too many people send hazy messages, speak in cryptic ways and are anything but direct when it comes to communication.  Often this hazy communication happens with the best of intentions. For example, they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, they’re afraid the person will get mad or they don’t want to get into a conflict.  They may even be afraid they’ll lose the person if they speak directly.  Unfortunately, the very thing they’re trying to avoid is often the thing they insure will happen.

When we beat around the bush, say only part of what we mean or hold things in and expect our partners to know what’s going on for us, we’re off.  It is not our loved one’s job to read our minds or decipher what we mean.  It is our job to clearly state what is going on for us.  It’s our job to specifically ask for what we want.  And, it’s our job to tell our loved ones what will happen if things continue to go poorly in our relationship.  It’s also our job to then ACT on those words.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, your first step is to clearly state that you’re unhappy.  Be clear about what you’re unhappy about and what you want to see be different: “I’m unhappy with our relationship.  You’re often snapping at me or the kids, you come home and get on the computer and then you go to bed.  The only interaction you seem to have with us is to tell us to leave you alone or to reprimand the kids.  I understand you’re stressed… and… I need you to speak to us with a softer tone, get off the computer at night and join the family.”

If s/he continues to be harsh and not be a part of the family, then ramp up your message with actions.  Go back to your partner and let them know it’s still a problem and tell them what you’re going to do about it: “Honey, I think my acting like I always have is giving you the message that what you’re doing is okay. Let me be clear–it’s not.  From now on, every time you snap, I will call you on it and ask you to change your tone.  If you don’t, I will end the conversation and won’t comply with your request unless you can speak it respectfully. 

If nothing changes again, the next step is to ramp it up more: “Until you can treat us lovingly I will assume you are not interested in being close or intimate.  Because I also don’t feel close to you lately, I will no longer be sexual with you until this changes (or we need to go to counseling, I’ll move out of the bedroom, etc.).  This behavior will need to change permanently if we are to be okay.”  NOTE: you can set any limit you’re comfortable with following through with here.  If you don’t want to stop being sexual then come up with another limit—one that is bigger than the previous one.

Too many relationships are ending because neither one of the parties took the steps to clearly state the severity of the situation by first saying it and then acting on it.  Before you choose to walk out that door—make sure you have been very clear with your partner along the way that walking out that door is a very likely option if nothing changes.  You don’t start there but you must be willing to incrementally go there.  It’s not okay to just say you wish your partner talked to you more or took you out or…(fill in the blank) and then jump from a complaint or request to a separation or divorce.  Move from the request to a limit to a bigger limit to an ultimatum to a good bye.  Anything short of that is you not being clear.  Too many of us complain and complain but don’t DO anything.  You need to DO something to show you’re serious.  If they still don’t change, then you have earned your way out.

CHALLENGE:  If you’re unhappy in your relationship, make sure you’re very clear about the seriousness of where you’re at in this relationship.  If it’s past the request stage, then set a limit.  If the limit doesn’t work, then give an ultimatum (counseling or separation).  An ultimatum is much kinder than just walking and it’s a gift to your relationship and your partner to be clear about the seriousness of the situation.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

In reality that the local pub and the nightclub aren’t the best places to get some form of traction on the love life of the community. These details make up the hub of the way in which we manage our social calendar.

Source: ArticleSphere.com: News And Society | Dating

I’m shocked when I hear and see what goes on in some work environments.  Between managers being cold and rude to their employees, bosses yelling at employees, managers refusing to be accountable for their own mistakes yet demanding their employees be accountable for theirs and co-workers talking bad about one another, it’s no wonder companies often do so poorly.

When companies create a cutthroat work environment and don’t take care of their employees, the odds of that company making it decrease drastically.  Why?  Because high tension, non-relational work environments lead to high turnover, lower productivity, more infighting and loads of resentment.  The bottom line is: not taking care of your employees is just plain BAD BUSINESS.

Here are 5 things business leaders can do to create a healthy work environment:
1.    Speak to all employees with respect at all times.  No matter how big the mistake, never allow any one to be verbally assaulted by anyone in the company.  Create an atmosphere where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities not shaming opportunities.
2.    As a leader, model healthy communication.  Build your employees up rather than tearing them down.  Teach them and mentor them—don’t scold and shame them.
3.    Model what you want your employees to master.   If you want excellent customer service than give excellent customer service.  If you want your employees to be accountable, then you be accountable.  Own your mistakes and they will feel as though they can own theirs.

4.    Be available and approachable.  Just because you own the company or are in a position of authority does not mean you are too important for people to talk to.  Be real, be humble and be approachable.  Have an open door policy—it will help you keep your finger on the pulse of your company.
5.    Create a supportive atmosphere in your company and listen to your employee’s complaints.  Have your employees back and encourage them to have one another’s back.  Competition should be with other companies not within your own.

The best companies realize that when they take care of their employees their employees take care of them.   Creating a great work environment lowers the turnover rate, increases productivity and leads to more creativity and ingenuity in the workplace.   All of these factors increase the bottom line.

Creating a healthy work environment is one of the best business decisions a leader will ever make.  If you struggle with a short fuse, are harsh with your employees or treat your employees like they are peons, then get yourself healthy.  The success of your company will depend on it.

CHALLENGE:  If you are a leader in your company, then learn to lead effectively.  Create a healthy work environment—starting with you.  Model what you want your employees to master.  Refuse to allow anyone in the company to tear anyone else down. Encourage honest, open dialogue and when your employees to use their voice—listen.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

I often hear from women that their partners aren’t interested in what they have to say, talk very little and emotionally don’t offer much.  When I check in with the men about this, the men often report that they’re different than the women and don’t need to talk as much.  They also report that at times they have no idea what to say if they were to talk.  Many men complain that the women seem to talk non-stop and they wish the women would quiet down.

After hearing these complaints over and over again I began to see what both the men and the women were talking about.  The men were indeed offering very little and in response to the men’s silence, the women would often talk incessantly in an attempt to get a response from the men.  Naturally the incessant talking led to the men tuning the women out and the men tuning the women out led to the women continually talking.  Obviously this dance was and is a lose-lose for both men and women.

On the male side of the equation, their lack of communication was, at times, nothing short of astounding.  On many occasions I watched as the men stared at their partners with a blank look on their faces and literally added nothing to a conversation.  The did not nod, utter a word or even make a sigh in response to what their partner’s were saying.  This was true when the women were giving a compliment, sharing a thought, complaining or even asking a question. What the women were saying was irrelevant.  The men, almost immediately upon the women speaking, would look like a deer in the headlights and say absolutely nothing.  I have seen this happen so many times that I now call it the deer in the headlight phenomenon.

When I would ask the men if they heard what their partner said, without fail they would report they did.  When I asked why they didn’t respond, they either said, because they heard her and didn’t think it needed a response or they didn’t know how to respond.  Hmmm.

On the female side of the equation, the women would watch the men not respond and would assume the men didn’t hear them, understand them or “get it”.  The women would then invariably talk more in an effort to explain what they said or to get the men to see what they meant.  Not surprisingly, the more the women talked, the more the men tuned out and the more the men tuned out, the more the women talked. YIKES!!!!

If this is happening in your relationship here’s how you fix it:

Men:  If someone is speaking to you, acknowledge that they have spoken; to do otherwise is just plain rude.  Here’s a list of options to choose from to help you out (Note: don’t forget to mix them up from time to time): 
•    Shake your head (only do this once in a while since it’s not very relational if that’s all you do),
•    Make a comment,
•    Ask a question,
•    Say you understand,
•    Share a similar story from your own life,
•    Laugh if appropriate,
•    Hold her hand if it’s warranted,
•    Say you’re sorry she feels that way if it fits…
•    If you’re really at a loss—tell her you heard her and have no idea how to respond.
The bottom line is: say or do something, and don’t just sit there like a deer in the headlights.  The more silent you remain, the more talkative she will become.  Intimacy requires a sharing of oneself with another—emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Start talking!

Women: If your partner has that deer in the headlights look and is offering little emotionally or in a conversation, don’t keep talking.  Stop trying to explain, plead for him to talk, show him how unrelational he’s being, get him to understand etc.  Remember that less is more.  Tell him directly and succinctly what you want.  If you want him to answer your question, state, “Will you please answer my question”?  If you want him to be supportive, say, “Can you just say, ‘That sounds hard honey’”?

And if, no matter what you ask for he continues to not be emotionally available, then be clear that he’s hurting your relationship. Take the time to figure out what you will do about that and then let him know.  Do not make false threats and make sure you follow your words up with actions. 

Whatever you do…stop chasing him.  The more you chase, the more he will run. 

CHALLENGE:  Pay attention to how you communicate with your partner and make sure you are holding up your part of the equation.  Share yourself and listen when your partner shares. Don’t over-talk or under-talk, chase or run.  Be present and work your side.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

Russian and Ukrainian women are homely and serious on marriage and are considered to be beautiful on the earth. They are family oriented and somber about their married life. With today’s busy life, all that a man need is a home to go back and enjoy with the family. This gives tremendous relaxation to stress, which occurred during the daily work. The life becomes wonderful if you have a lovely wife to take care of you. Russian and Ukrainian women are possessive and stay with the family until death. They are very good and this quality. There might be a language problem at the initial stage but that is only a minor obstacle, as they will master your language within no time.

Source: ArticleSphere.com: News And Society | Dating