Challenge:  Choose 1-2 suggestion from the list above and incorporate them into your relationship for a minimum of two weeks.  Pay attention to any changes you see from your partner.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

I’ve had several couples struggle with wandering eyes of the men.   Most of the men deny it and many of the women begin to question themselves upon the heels of his insistence that he’s doing nothing wrong. When it comes to men staring at, flirting with or paying attention to other women I’ve heard all the excuses; below are just of few of them:
•    “I was just appreciating her beauty”.
•    “What’s the big deal, you know I’m going home with you”.
•    “I don’t stare—she’s just paranoid and overly jealous”.
•    “I was just talking to her. She’s only a friend. I’m not going to give up my friends—this is your issue not mine”.

Regardless of whether you’re male, female, heterosexual or homosexual, flirting with, starting at or paying extra attention to someone you find attractive is disrespectful to the one your with.  If you’re in a relationship with someone it’s your job to treat him or her well and show him or her you care about him or her. Checking out other men/women shows the exact opposite.  It shows that you have no respect for the person you’re with and no respect for the person you’re ogling.

Particularly bad is when you do this with your partner’s friends!  You’re not 15 years old anymore with raging hormones and a desperate need to pump up your chest to any female/male within sight of you.  Grow up and be respectful. 

When men –or women – have the need to constantly flirt, ogle others or get attention from others, it’s a sign they can’t be trusted and they don’t feel comfortable without the attention of others.  This leaves them constantly looking for reassurance from people of the opposite sex (or same sex if homosexual) that they’re worthy.  The sexual energy serves as a self-esteem pump, regulating how they feel about themselves.  Every eye contact, returned flirtation or smile gives them a jolt to their self-esteem.  People who struggle with this flirt so much that half the time they’re not even aware they’re doing it.  It becomes a way they walk in the world.

If you’re with a partner whom stares or flirts with other attractive people in your presence, know that it is disrespectful and not okay.  Do not question your gut when they make up poor excuses for their behavior.  There is no excuse for it; it’s rude. 

If you’re the one flirting and constantly checking people out, know this is off. It’s not normal (for guys or girls).  It’s often due to issues of self-esteem and love or sex addiction.  Start looking at when you do this and why and get help if you need it.  This behavior will destroy any relationship you’re in –if the other person is healthy.

CHALLENGE:  If your partner struggle with a wondering eye, know you’re n trouble.  Set limits on the behavior, trust your instincts and get professional help or a new partner if they refuse to change.
If you’re the person with the wondering eye—stop it.  It’s disrespectful to your partner and the people you are ogling.  It also makes you look bad.  Do your work and figure out why you need this sexual energy jolt.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

Good listening skills are vital to any relationship in your life.  If you don’t listen well at work—it may cost you your job.  If you don’t listen to your partner—it will greatly impact your relationship.  And if you don’t listen to your friends—you may find that you have fewer and fewer.  The bottom line is: when it comes to relationships, listening is vital.

Those people who are lucky enough to have a partner, boss, friend, etc. who is a good listener know exactly what I’m talking about.  Good listeners encourage communication rather than squash it.  They take in difficult feedback, aren’t afraid of hard conversations and are safe to talk with.  The intimacy level is often much higher with people who know how to listen well.

Many people, however, are not good listeners.  In fact, many people are terrible at listening.  Some people are so reactive that those around them are afraid to talk with them.  Others are so conflict-avoidant that they refuse to stay in a conversation long enough to actually work through any issue. And still others are so sure they’re right that they forget to realize the other person may be right as well.

If you want great relationships you must become a great listener.  Pay attention to the dos and donts of listening:

Do:
1.    Listen with an open heart and mind.  One of my favorite bumper stickers is, “Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.”  We need to be open to hearing another person’s perspective, feedback and criticism even when it differs from what we believe.  We do not need to agree, however we do need to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes to understand what things are like on their end.  Having an open mind leads to growth, receptivity and intimacy.

2.    Join with them.  If the other person is simply sharing an insight, event or piece of information, just take it in.  Don’t counter it, “fix it” or question it.  This person is simply giving you insight into how and what they think.  What a gift; take it as such.
3.    Own your part.  If someone is upset about something they feel you did—listen first and then acknowledge any part that’s true.  We all make mistakes.  Don’t beat yourself up about it.  Just have the courage to acknowledge your humanity and apologize if it’s warranted.  Owning our mistakes is incredibly healing to the people we’ve hurt.  It’s also healing and empowering to ourselves.
4.    Encourage ongoing communication.  When someone’s sharing their story with you, act as if you want to hear more.  Ask questions, get curious, make comments that let them know you’re listening (e.g.. “That sounds scary.”  No way, they didn’t really do that did they?!”
Don’t:
1.    Don’t dismiss or minimize what they’re saying.  Dismissing someone happens when you tell them they’re too sensitive, they don’t know what they’re talking about or they’re wrong for feeling what they’re feeling.  Stop making their feelings seem unimportant.  Who made you the judge of what’s worthy to think or feel?  If someone is trying to share something with you, the last thing they want to hear is any of these kinds of statements. 
2.    Don’t critique the messenger.  Too many listeners get lost in the details and try arguing the facts.  That is rude and annoying.  Let go of the “facts” and pay attention to the message—you may learn something.
3.    Do NOT defend.  The number one sign of a bad listener is defensiveness.  If someone is upset about something you did, stop defending your actions and start having empathy for what your actions may have caused.  Defensiveness is frustrating and blocks intimacy every time.  Get skilled at acknowledging and repairing your mistakes rather than arguing that you never make them. 
4.    Don’t sit there like a bump on a log.  I can’t tell you how many men literally say nothing when their partners speak to them.  They sit there like a deer in the headlights and don’t even nod their heads.  I don’t have to tell you how rude this is—just stop doing it.

Above is a quick tip sheet for being a good listener.  Some of these tips are easier than others to follow.  All of these tips are necessary for healthy relationships.  You cannot have intimate relationships if you can’t listen.  Work to becoming the listener you would like your partner, friend, boss and child to be with you.

CHALLENGE:  Look over the list above and rate yourself on each tip.  Choose two areas to work on over the next couple of weeks and pay attention to what happens when you actually listen to the people in your life.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

Good listening skills are vital to any relationship in your life.  If you don’t listen well at work—it may cost you your job.  If you don’t listen to your partner—it will greatly impact your relationship. And, if you don’t listen to your friends—you may find that you have fewer and fewer.  The bottom line is: when it comes to relationships, listening is vital.

Those people who are lucky enough to have a partner, boss, friend etc., who is a good listener knows exactly what I’m talking about.  Good listeners encourage communication rather than squash it.  They take in difficult feedback, aren’t afraid of hard conversations and are safe to talk to.  The intimacy level is often much higher with people who know how to listen well.

Many people, however, are not good listeners.   In fact many people are terrible at listening.  Some people are so reactive those around them are afraid to talk to them.  Others are so conflict avoidant that they refuse to stay in a conversation long enough to actually work through anything. And still others are so sure they’re right that they forget to realize the other person may be right as well.

If you want great relationships you must become a great listener.  Pay attention to the do’s and don’ts of listening:
Do:
1.    Listen with an open heart and mind.  One of my favorite bumper stickers is “Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open”.  We need to be open to hearing another person’s perspective, feedback and criticism even when it differs from what we believe.  We do not need to agree, however, we do need to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes to understand what things are like on their end.  Having an open mind leads to growth, receptivity and intimacy.

2.    Join with them.  If the other person is simply sharing an insight, event or piece of information, just take it in. Don’t counter it, “fix it” or question it.  This person is simply giving you insight into how and what they think. What a gift; take it as so.
3.    Own your part.  If someone is upset about something they feel you did—listen first and then acknowledge any part that’s true.  We all make mistakes.  Don’t beat yourself up about it just have the courage to acknowledge your humanity and apologize if it’s warranted.  Owning our mistakes is incredibly healing to the people we’ve hurt.  It’s also healing and empowering to ourselves.
4.    Encourage ongoing communication.  When someone’s sharing their story with you act like you care to hear more. Ask questions, get curious, make comments that let them know you’re listening (I.e. “That sounds scary” No way, they didn’t really do that did they?!”
Don’ts:
1.    Don’t dismiss or minimize what they’re saying.  Dismissing someone happens when you tell them they’re too sensitive, they don’t know what they’re talking about or they’re wrong for feeling what they’re feeling.  Stop making their feelings seem unimportant; who made you the judge of what’s worthy to think or feel?  If someone is trying to share something with you, the last thing they want to hear is any kind of statement like these. 
2.    Don’t critique the messenger:  Too many listeners get lost in the details and try arguing the facts. That is rude and annoying. Let go of the “facts” and pay attention to the message—you may learn something.
3.    Do NOT defend. The number one sign of a bad listener is defensiveness.  If someone is upset about something you did, stop defending your actions and start having empathy for what your actions may have caused.  Defensiveness is frustrating and blocks intimacy every time.  Get skilled at acknowledging and repairing your mistakes rather than arguing that you never make them. 
4.    Don’t sit there like a bump on a log.  I can’t tell you how many men literally say nothing when their partner’s speak to them.  They sit there like a deer in the headlights and don’t even nod their heads.  I don’t have to tell you how rude this is—just stop doing it.

Above is a quick tip sheet for being a good listener. Some of these tips are easier than others to follow.  All of these tips are necessary for healthy relationships.  You cannot have intimate relationships if you can’t listen.  Work to becoming the listener you would like your partner, friend, boss and child to be with you.

CHALLENGE:  Look over the list above and rate yourself on each tip.  Choose two areas to work on over the next couple weeks and pay attention to what happens when you actually listen to the people in your life.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

If you’re struggling in your relationship and seeking professional help, then put your money and time to good use by truly working your side.  Here are 5 tips to incorporate into your work with the experts:

1.    Work your side: pay attention to the places where you are relationally off and fix those. If you don’t speak up then start doing so.  If you yell, scream or verbally attack—calm yourself down and be respectful.  Stay focused on your side of the fence and let your partner do the work on theirs.  Your changes will force a change in the entire system.   If the change is not a positive one or good enough, as you get healthier you will not be able to stay in unhealthy.
2.    Practice what the expert speaks:  Insight is great but it’s certainly not enough if you don’t act on it.  Too many couples get help but don’t put to practice the concepts they are taught.  If you’re not going to use the skills you’re taught than stop wasting your money and everyone else’s time.

3.    View mistakes as bumps in the road:  Often in couple’s work both partners are asked to make significant changes regarding behaviors they have been doing for a lifetime.  The road to health will therefore be riddled with bumps along the way.  You both will have moments when you fall back into old behaviors or say the wrong thing or make a poor choice.  These moments are life; they’re not the end of the world or the end of your relationship.  Give yourself and your partner the space to be human and thus imperfect.  As long as you’re both trying, making incremental changes and not having any major or abusive fallouts you’re okay.
4.    Be open to and acknowledge your partner’s changes:  Too often one or both partner’s is so closed off and angry that they refuse to take in their partner’s moves.  If they complain one day that their partner never gives compliments and the next day s/he gives a compliment, the partner dismisses the compliment by saying “The only reason you said that is because I complained about it yesterday”.  Hello?! Of course that’s why they did it.  They gave the compliment because they heard you and they want to make the relationship work.  Stop cutting them off at the knees every time they try to respond to your requests.  If you were training your dog to sit and they finally responded to the command, “Sit”, would you not give the dog a treat because they just did it because you asked them to? Instead of critiquing your partner or complaining about them giving you what you asked for, try thanking them.
5.    Be honest:  If couple’s work has any chance of working, you have to be honest—to the expert as well as to your partner.  If you’re thinking of leaving, that needs to be on the table.  Don’t say things are okay if they’re not and don’t tell half the story because you’re afraid to tell the whole story.  Say it straight in a respectful way and don’t lie.

The bottom line with couple’s work is you actually have to do the WORK.  You can’t just listen, watch, hope and then go home and do things the way you’ve always done them.  Work your side regardless of what your partner is doing on theirs and see what happens.

CHALLENGE:  Read over the list above and see if you are off in any of the five areas.  If so, clean up that part and see what happens.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

Last Friday I was exhausted, a little bit cranky and definitely ready to sit home and just veg out.  Upon entering my house though, my two dogs (a chocolate lab and a boxer—both large and one slobbery) ran up to me, with their tales wagging, ready to greet me.  They were so excited to see me that it was nearly impossible to ignore them.  I couldn’t help but notice how nice it was to come home to such open hearted love. 

This encounter, repeated nearly every time I come home, led me to think about how relational dogs are and how much we humans could learn from them.  The difference between entering a house and being cheerfully met at the door vs. being barely acknowledged by busy family members is all too familiar to many pet owners.  In fact some pet owners have said they would be more upset if their pet died than if their spouse left them http://tinyurl.com/2fsmwnx.  As sad as this statement may sound, it’s a testament to how loving pets can be …and…how non-relational some humans can be.

Below are 5 characteristics of pet dogs that humans can learn from:
1.    Dogs are great greeters. They greet us with love, energy and genuine excitement—any time of day or night.  My dogs can’t wait to see me when I come home and they are utterly excited to greet me when I wake up in the morning.  Dogs show people, through their actions, that they are genuinely happy to be in their life.

2.    Dogs are great companions.  They enjoy hanging out and just being in the company of those they love.  There are no awkward silences or mean things said in anger—only a constant friend who always loves you as long as you treat them well. They’re happy to snuggle up against you without any ulterior motives.  They just want to be close.  At the same time, they are able to give you space when you need it.  They don’t smother and nor do they ignore.
3.    Dogs trust their instincts.  They don’t wonder if they are being fair or seeing things correctly—they just trust that they know what they know.  If their instincts tell them someone isn’t safe, they back off or move into protect themselves and others.
4.    Dogs are great protectors.  If anyone messes with someone a dog loves, they will fiercely protect them and keep them safe.  In fact, dogs are known to be better at safe guarding your home than a security system.  Burglars don’t want to mess with a dog if they can at all avoid it.
5.    Dogs are there for you in times of need.  They don’t dismiss your feelings, tell you to toughen up or tell you to stop crying.  They simply give you their fur to cry on and kiss your tears away.  They just try to reaffirm the notion that every thing will be all right and letting you know you will always have them.

Unlike what many people think, dogs do not love unconditionally.  They will be your best friend if you treat them well and will return that love tenfold.  Just like healthy humans, however, they will distance and not trust you if you don’t treat them well.  

If you are tired of struggling relationally, perhaps you have a thing or two to learn from dogs regarding relationships.  The biggest lesson is being willing to show your love day-to-day, moment-to-moment.  Dogs don’t care about how they look when they’re running up to you wagging their tail; they only care that you feel the love and love them back.  Too often humans are so caught up in how we look, who was right in the last argument, whether there are ulterior motives etc., that we forget to just love. 

When it comes to relationships, learn from our pets:  be forgiving, show affection and trust your instincts. 

CHALLENGE:  Look over the list above and rate yourself in your own relationship on each characteristic.  Work to strengthen the ones that need strengthening.  Notice what happens.

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships

A key clue that our energy is off is a sharp tone.  We could be saying the most innocent thing in the world, yet if we say it with a tone it changes the entire message.  For example, try to say the following statement out loud, imagining you’re feeling the emotion named:
•    Annoyance: “What are you doing?!”
•    Contempt (thinking that the other person is stupid): “What… are you doing?”
•    Curiosity: “What are you doing?”

If you listen closely, you should be able to hear how a change in tone can change an entire message without changing one word.  Our tone and our energy are a huge part of communicating.   When speaking, we want to make sure our energy matches our words.  We also want to make sure that our energy is clean (respectful, grounded and honest) regardless of whether we’re angry, joyful or sad.  We can be furious with someone, yet still be clean in how we speak to them.  We can also be firm without being abusive or harsh. 

When it comes to being an effective communicator, my motto is “Don’t let a great message get lost in the delivery.”  It’s in your best interest to speak in a way in which the other person can hear you, so clean up your side.  Your words, energy and body language all need to match up and all need to be respectful.  Say it straight, be honest and lose the tone.

CHALLENGE: When speaking to others, pay attention to your tone, energy and body language.  All three need to be sending the same message.  That message should be respectful of the other person’s dignity as a fellow and equal human being in order to be effective. 

Source: Straight Talk On Relationships